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Scent of Falling Waters

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13th June 2010

4:06am: Comic-CONNNNNNNNNN!
I'm most definitely making thinngs for con this year. It's weird, cus in the past, all I've done is plan, then want the costume to magically appear. this time I'm actually looking forward to the process, the creation and completion.

Due to major stress at school, I took advantage of the counciling service they have there. I only get three sessions, but it's with a professional Psychiatrist type person. her name is Susan, and she's very grandmother like. I gotta say, so far it's helping. Just having someone removed from your life to dump all your worries/fears/and long standing issues on is really helpful. Plus She's so far removed she can see the bad patterns that friends see but can't always help with.

BACK to costuming and con. I'm still broke as hell. That ain't gonna change. What has changed is now I'm determined to reach my goals. Things are mattering more than they have before. I don't feel as much a victim of circumstances as I did. If I need to go bare bones, I will. If I need to eat ramen for a month, I'll do it. It's like nothing can stop me! WOOT!

SO! the house is almost put together, and after next Saturday, I'm inviting y'all in the area to come over for costuming workshops. If you have standup commedians or audiobooks for background noise, please do bring them!

WE CAN DO THIS!

p.s.: I'm gonna try and juggle some cash to maybe make it to AX this year. Anyone going?

14th February 2010

4:01am: I was reminded of how I learned to drive at my earliest age, or at least, how to pass cars on the freeway.

Let me introduce the TomyTronic 3D!

Latest in computer blipping, button mashing, no second-lifing video games from my past.

I of course got this sometime in the 90's LONG after it was cool or cutting edge, but you make do as a kid.




and here's a screencap (so to speak)




just felt like sharing!

Kim

26th October 2009

10:38pm: today was an interesting day
relaxation
with a good friend

information
by way of a video. good for my schoolings

slumber
somewhat overdue and overlong

confrontation
long overdue

ultimatum
strong and unforgiving, but not unjust or unforseen

contemplation
best had without music and whilst driving

and best of all;

a visit from Tony, who I've only had as a customer once before. His energy is staggeringly positive, and you can't help but be dragged along by his enthusiasm. He's a janitor at one of the local schools, and I'm glad that he can spread all that energy around to the children. No one's life can be sad or dark with that guy around. for sure!

Now to think on the days events. Much to think about. And to search for.
Current Mood: blank

9th October 2009

10:46pm: The World is the Way it is Because;
- people are living longer than ever before
- children are being born to older parents than ever before. Studies have shown higher propensity for mental illness in children born to older parents.
- people want the highest luxuries, usually only reserved for the aristocracy, and are willing to use any means to get it
- production is high
- resources are low
- consumption is the means to fulfillment, or so we are told all our lives, every waking moment
- everyone has to have multiple skill sets to just be considered average, and lose most of their childhood to attaining these skill sets
- the main population of non-third-world-countries are lower middle class. Not highly educated to know how what they do impacts those around them and the rest of the world, but educated enough to think they know everything they need to know.
- People feel innately entitled to everything in the world and everything everyone else has.
- conflict is not resolved. Instead it is nurtured, perpetuated for pride, preference and profit
- the bottom line is law
- no one breathes
- no one listens
- no one educates themselves on how to think differently/better (not just to test better or know more trivia)
- image comes before integrity, quantity over quality
- people want someone to blame, so they don't have to actually fix any problems or deal with the consequences
- people want to feel righteous
- paranoia/suspicions are the norm. If you're NOT afraid of something, you are considered weird.
- individuality is above equality
- maturity and responsibility are frowned upon.
- everything has lost its value, but it all has a price
- people want the world to end so they don't have to face their future
- hopelessness/emptiness pervades all walks of life, and no deity or trinket fills the void
- we are dependent on concepts and arbitrary systems for sustenance and security


This is not copypasta from somewhere else. I wrote this because I could not come up with something new and interesting. Everything has been done because I have not moved onwards in my thought processes. In my learning about everything that is life, I have learned nothing about that witch is the progression of self in life. So I continue to strive. If I identify the reasons why things are the way they are, maybe I can grow and become more.

Maybe something original and new will come to me. But I have no ears to listen to that faint whisper. I must grow them and strain to hear.

If you feel like I do, if this resonates with you, feel free to copy/edit/adjust this to your needs. Hell, post it to your blog too. Maybe if more people start to see the paths they've tread for so long, maybe they'll stop following them and find a new way. One of those people will eventually find the right one.
Current Mood: contemplative

7th October 2009

6:43pm: Comming out of the shadows
Well, I have gotten through my UBER-reclusiveness/hating the world and am actually feeling better for it. I guess I needed a hard reset of life, and it scared my roomies and myself, but I'm feeling optimistic now.

School started Monday, and classes are going well so far. Am in a class that I failed previously so I've got a bit of a head start today.

Work has settled into a rhythm. My grades and the school's budget made one of my two jobs suspended for the quarter. If I can get my grades up and of they have the cash for me at the end of the quarter, then I get my job back. At least my new graveyard hours at AmPm are long (semi-full time at 32 hrs a week) and steady. Plus I can do homework there!

I'm enjoying the fact that I'm able to pay bills like I need to.

Just got some work pants, a pair of replacement corduroys in a lovely purple shade and some shirts for a steal at Old Navy. Was sorely tempted by a Plum colored corduroy double breasted jacket at Target, but I stuck to my budget. :)


We shall see how long the calm lasts. :)

1st October 2009

12:45pm: moar disturbing reading...TL:DR verson - life sucks right now
So I got in touch with the councilors through my school. I get three sessions through them. yay! I just have to call them back to schedule the appointments... and I'm hesitating and finding excuses not to.

The house is getting sold (actually it's a short sale) and I thought I was prepared for it. I'd been through this with Mr. Bill and his house. That thing stayed on the market FOREVER!

Short sales are... different.

I now work nights, so I sleep during the day. I missed the insanity for the most part the first few days due to this. Apparently while I was asleep, the circus came to town and toured my house. My roommates took the brunt of the group, dealing with the roving hordes as they wound their way through our house.

Like I said, I was asleep (or at least trying to) for most of this. I woke up to find my roommates exhausted, and a sign on the door to my room reading "Please do not open, someone is asleep".

Apparently someone decided to open my door and poke their head inside even after being told not to. Only my roommates saved me from the worst way to wake up ever. I started locking my room when I went to sleep.

Next offense would come during the week, when a particularly obnoxious Real Estate Agent started calling the house at 8:30 am.

I tried ignoring the calls, until 10:30am when I heard a knock on the door, and a rather insistent doorbell mashing. I silently willed them to go away.

Then I heard a key in the door and in a panic jumped up and put my robe on only to have the Realtor walk in, clients in tow.

I was flabbergasted, only able to show my ire on the intrusion by pointing to the sign on my door. The Realtor looked at the sign and myself and in a huff proclaimed "Well, no one was returning my calls."

As if that's a valid excuse for trespassing (which it is if they don't get permission from the tenants to enter the home.) I closed my room door, shaking with anger and fear. I had no safety left in my own home. Anyone could get in at any time. I started to panic.

The Realtor left maybe a minute or two later, his clients clearly unimpressed with the house.

I watched them leave from the front window. I turned the blinds and sat on the couch. The next time the phone rang I jumped up to get it, fearful of a repeat performance. The rest of the calls that day were for reasonable hours, in the evening. I scheduled people to come see the house, but missed the second and third horde that descended upon us.


I don't know if this helps or not, but imagine that someone calls you around 9pm, just as you are going to bed. They continue to call you for about a half hour. Just before midnight they open your door and tour your house, bringing others with them. That is effectively what they did to me.

Luckily I'm not the only one who's had enough of this. Seth (one of my roommates) had to actually deal with all those people in the evening (I ended up passing out around 1:30 pm with the help of a glass of wine.) These prospective buyers have been to the house every day from Saturday through Monday, for up to 6 hours straight (4 on Monday from 4-7:30pm).

The only respite from this assault has been recently, and only due to the booking agents personal tragedy (death in the family.) Otherwise there would STILL be people coming through.

The count of people that have seen the house as of Sunday, was 60 groups.

60. groups. by Sunday. That's two days.


I'm losing it personally. I have to have some personal space that is sacred. Someplace I can call mine. That I can call home. I have been doing abysmally in school, and my home life has been atrocious. On every front I am being assaulted by responsibilities, lack of money, necessities that are being neglected, personal liberties being restricted, sanity that is eroding, confidence that is wafer thin, motivation in retrograde and I am SERIOUSLY wishing not to be alive anymore.

Not that I'm feeling like a razors a great friend to have, or that pills look particularly tasty right now. I'm just feeling like I wouldn't protest too harshly if I have a near death experience. Like if I was needing to fight for my life, such as in a car accident or something, I might not fight too much or at all. I kinda look forward to the oblivion that awaits my end. It's looking mighty inviting not to have to constantly struggle, or fight depression or deal with NEW anxieties that crop up.

I know my life and what I am going through is paltry compared to others across the world. I know that in perspective this would be nothing more than a mild hiccup to someone living through war and utter poverty. But for some reason I can't get over this. It's eating away at me. I am literally crumbling away, like a sandcastle in the rising tide.

Each little wave is taking my foundation out from under me.
Current Mood: numb

2nd September 2009

6:50pm: depression is easy
It's lazy

All you have to do is let it come on when you're feeling down. You don't have to work to be depressed, triggers are plentiful and readily available.

And you can stay here indefinitely. The only thing you have to do is let go of your goals, wants, hopes and dreams.


....


I don't want to go down that road again. I just finally pulled myself out of it. Hopelessness dogs my heels with every step, whispering sweet nothings of silence and sleep. I shut my ears and harden my heart to the chiding from inside, to the lectures for what I should be doing and what I'm not doing right.

Yet still I delay, choose poorly, oversleep and work against my own best interests. I maintain, but never gain a better understanding of myself or my path.

I am stuck in the mud. Those who try to help get stuck too, or simply throw mud in an attempt to make me work harder to get out of it. But I'm weighted by their earthy words. Pulled down by my own misdeeds and wrongdoings. Shackled by my karma of lethargy.

I am starting at a deficit, in all parts of my life, and I keep sinking.

I keep digging a hole.


I can't take any more harsh words or sidelong glances or exasperated sighs form anyone else, outside of myself. I am shutting down inside from what I'm doing to myself. I've pushed myself into a corner in my mind, pummeled from without and within.

I continue to take the easy road, follow the old paths, out of habit more than comfort or ease.

I'm addicted to laziness, with all the withdrawals and drawbacks any other addiction has.

It's killing my life and I'm done with it.

The fallout will continue for a while, each harsh ember burning a hole in me while I strive to exit the mess I've lived in for so long.

MY integrity is dust. My pride, a cloak I keep tightly wrapped about me. I have not much else in the world but my sense of self, and that is paper thin and full of holes.

I am still trying.

31st August 2009

11:09am: Gonna try to write more in here than once a month

not sure how it will go though

plus the school comp I'm on randomly stops reading keystrokes. yay!

Gotta get my head in the game. Something is really off and I don't know what, but it's killing my GPA and life. May be a mental, block but can't pinpoint the cause.

Still working it out, but running out of time.

29th August 2009

4:11pm: my graveyard shift starts tonight. First time doing graveyard. Should be ok though :)

might get some art bits done finally!

27th August 2009

3:51pm: Nothing to report

still blocked from completing projects. Still stoping myself from succeeding. Getting closer to the reason for it though. Hopefully when I figure that out I will be able to move past it.

we'll see.

In the mean time, I'm ebaying random things (or will be again when my computer is working again. virus FTL) to make ends meet.

I hope I can afford the bills that are due at the end of the month.

17th August 2009

12:16am: District 9 and whatnot
Saw District 9 today. Wow.

If you've seen slumdog Millionaire, apparently this is like that, but Sci-Fi.

It's really more about humanity and what we do to ourselves than a treatise on an alien invasion.

The friends that I went with were entirely depressed by the movie, whilst I was elated by it. Not necessarily it's content but by the fact that it exists. I don't want to spoil, or even imply any part of the plot to anyone who may read this.

I won't even hype it. I just want people to go in and see it. It's not some epic battle, like ID4. It's more intelligent than that.

People will find holes I'm sure. People will call shenanigans on parts. It's not a summer blockbuster per se, its an action drama, that has some cliche's in it that are not treated in the cliche way (at least not to me. Others may see it otherwise).

I like it a lot. It makes me think. I miss that sometimes from movies.

10th August 2009

11:14pm: As I sit here modeling stuff for midterms, I wonder if I'll finish in time. I wonder if I'll graduate.

Will I stop myself from succeeding as usual?


I wonder why I don't want myself to do well. I think it may be cus my effort is minimal, and if I succeed with that I feel no great victory. I have learned nothing.

Self telling self to do better. To strive.

The pessimistic side works with the lazy side and fight the productive, optimistic side.

Layers of things to fix, inside and out.

So it goes, and so it goes...
Current Mood: blah

18th July 2009

4:39am: whew!
I just finished the sculpt of niteowl, and I'm pooped!

Goodnight all. I have work and school in the morning

30th May 2009

4:17pm: I still live, just so ya knows. Well, mostly :)

8th April 2009

11:40am: so Bryan sent me this link...
http://omegle.com/

it's filled with b-tards and it's fun to have random 30 second conversations.

so there :)

12th March 2009

2:31pm: Letter from David Hayter in Regards to Watchmen
Ok, so second post in a week on Watchmen stuff. Go fig really.

Here's the link to the letter, I hope you enjoy!


14th January 2009

12:31pm: Phone is back up and runnin'

Yay!

12th January 2009

1:55pm: T-Shirt Update!

It's Live! Come and score if you have an acct on threadless. If not just watch the fun! I've got a week to get some scores did. :)

My Threadless.com Submission

8th January 2009

1:35am: So I was productive-ish today...
so I submitted a t-shirt to Threadless. I've heard good and bad things about this website, and I've enjoyed many of the T's on there. I think my design is nice and simple, so I think it could go far, but I may just be fooling myself. Take a look for yourself and let me know what'cha think!

Word of Paradise or Bird of Paraphrase - Threadless, Best T-shirts Ever
Current Mood: calm

31st December 2008

9:03pm: Happy New YAR! (a pirate-y new year indeed!)
SO! I am on my way to the first new years club thingy I've ever been to! It's gothy but I decided to go more Steam Goth than classic goth.

I also just colored my Hair!



It's a weird super dark teal blue color, and I LOVE it. Can't wait to see how it fades over time too!

So here"s the outfit.Collapse )
I love IIIIT!!!!








New Years Resolutions:

1. have stable income
2. draw regularly to strengthen art style/skills
3. get more commissions (and finish current ones)
4. get at least a 3.0 every quarter
5. lose some damn weight! 240lbs is WAAAAY too heavy! Maybe as much as 80 lbs? YEA!!!!
6. start and finish my damn costumes! Sister's o Battle, here I come!


So that's the short list. See ya Next Year!

29th December 2008

5:14am: Merry Everything and an update
So, broke as usual. :)

Oh! Compy broke yesterday, was coughing and wheezing the day before. New HD with new install is letting my type and surf! yay!

phone is off. need to pay bill but need cash first. :(

email is best to get a hold of me.

comissions VERY welcome! Will be up and running in 1-2 days for digital, ready now for manual arts. ^_^

*looks for x-mas moonies being spent on ebay*

Ok. I sleep now.
Current Mood: worried

18th November 2008

10:14pm: What I've been up to!
So Here's My most recent Work from Sculpture Class

Can You guess Who it is? Come See!Collapse )

Oh and my hair is currently this:

. I'ma FREAKIN' Parrot!

13th November 2008

8:54pm: BRAINSTORM
Ok, I just thought of this and I don't know what all ya think BUT...

What if
STEAMPUNK
and
LOLITA

COMBINED?!
Wana See?Collapse )


7th November 2008

3:55pm:

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