deathlikescats (deathlikescats) wrote,

depression is easy

It's lazy

All you have to do is let it come on when you're feeling down. You don't have to work to be depressed, triggers are plentiful and readily available.

And you can stay here indefinitely. The only thing you have to do is let go of your goals, wants, hopes and dreams.


I don't want to go down that road again. I just finally pulled myself out of it. Hopelessness dogs my heels with every step, whispering sweet nothings of silence and sleep. I shut my ears and harden my heart to the chiding from inside, to the lectures for what I should be doing and what I'm not doing right.

Yet still I delay, choose poorly, oversleep and work against my own best interests. I maintain, but never gain a better understanding of myself or my path.

I am stuck in the mud. Those who try to help get stuck too, or simply throw mud in an attempt to make me work harder to get out of it. But I'm weighted by their earthy words. Pulled down by my own misdeeds and wrongdoings. Shackled by my karma of lethargy.

I am starting at a deficit, in all parts of my life, and I keep sinking.

I keep digging a hole.

I can't take any more harsh words or sidelong glances or exasperated sighs form anyone else, outside of myself. I am shutting down inside from what I'm doing to myself. I've pushed myself into a corner in my mind, pummeled from without and within.

I continue to take the easy road, follow the old paths, out of habit more than comfort or ease.

I'm addicted to laziness, with all the withdrawals and drawbacks any other addiction has.

It's killing my life and I'm done with it.

The fallout will continue for a while, each harsh ember burning a hole in me while I strive to exit the mess I've lived in for so long.

MY integrity is dust. My pride, a cloak I keep tightly wrapped about me. I have not much else in the world but my sense of self, and that is paper thin and full of holes.

I am still trying.
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